Difficult, crazy, hard, too much, and complicated: these are all things I’ve been called, not only by exes, but by friends, family, and enemies. I’ve tried over the years to hide these things about myself, to minimize and control how I allow myself to be seen by others, but these things always end up shining through the cracks in the false persona that I’ve created. In recent months I’ve begun to question whether it is healthy to correct, soften, or control who I am, or whether it is best for me to be who I am and accept that others may or may not want to be apart of my life.
You probably know where I’m heading with this, but this is my blog, and I’m just going to ramble on forward and say it. I’ve found that it is far better for me to embrace who I am, difficult, complicated, and probably crazy. I’m under no obligation to anyone to be anyone other than myself, and understand that this may mean that people in my life may not like me very much. I am not just ‘good’ (whatever the fuck that means). I am flawed, and in my flaws and imperfections I am perfectly myself. I love passionately and deeply, I am dark humored, I am absurdly clever, I am irreverent, I get my feelings hurt easily, I’m opinionated and overly verbal, I am messy and forgetful, I am flaky and inconsistent, I am caring and open, I am great in bed, I am driven by helping others, and I am insightful and observant. I am a WHOLE person.
In my last relationship I censored myself, compromised who I was, put him first, focused on our relationship more than I focused on myself, and allowed myself to change to be more of who he wanted and less of who I really am. There are deep psychological reasons for this, of course, ones that I have spent the last few months standing up to and ripping to shreds. No more. I want a person in my life who not only accepts me for who I am, but who loves what I bring to a relationship; someone who loves my difficult nature and sees the beauty in it. I’ve had this before in my life: a person who understood me and accepted me to the very core of my being. Does this mean that he put up with my difficult behavior when it was directed at him? No. He would tell me to cut it out and stop acting like I was. He wasn’t afraid to call me out on my behavior, or to hurt my feelings. But at the end of the day, he accepted that this is who I am, and he loved me.
Being exactly who you are is one of the most difficult places to get to in life. If you are a complicated, crazy, difficult woman, please own this. You shouldn’t be ashamed that you aren’t an easy person. If you are easy and laid-back, please own that too! There is no reason to be anyone but yourself. Do not soften your edges to fit into a place of convenience in someone else’s life. It’s not worth it, and you do not owe this to anyone.