Is there anyone out there whose sense of self is so ardent, that he or she exists only in black and white? Is anyone truly unwavering about who they are, what they want, or how they feel? Is it better to be stable and steadfast about yourself and life? Or could it be that allowing yourself the freedom to choose what makes you happy ‘in the moment’ is best? We all know the old saying about the grass being greener on the other side, but perhaps, for some of us, the grass is greener on both sides (depending on the circumstances). Why do we have to choose just one thing? We live in a society (those of us who live in ‘free’ western countries, that is) where we are free to choose what we want, and are given a litany of options to choose from. How do we know for certain which option will ‘fit’? Is it greedy to desire to try all of our options, and choose more than just one?
I have been told that I am a dichotomy. I feel tied to one desire, one feeling, or one way of doing things…. but yet I also feel tied to doing and feeling the opposite of these things. For instance, I feel strongly about being a woman who works, yet I also would like to be a woman whose job is to stay home and care for her home and child. I am a champion for women’s rights and believe in feminism, yet I also feel that in relationships a woman’s job is to build up her partner, to be soft and caring, and to allow him to lead the course of the relationship. I want to be in a long-term committed relationship (perhaps get married again), and yet I also feel that I don’t want to be tied down and caged in. I want a man to be emotionally available and open with me, but I also want someone who provides a challenge in this respect. I feel that I should be able to initiate intimacy or sex whenever I feel like it, but I also feel that the man should be the person to make the first move. I function completely differently as a single woman than I do as a woman in a relationship. Trying to force two different parts of me to reconcile is incredibly difficult, and to that end, why should I have to do this? Why isn’t it okay for me to be who I am, which is ever changing and shifting based on my circumstances?
Call it what you will: inconsistent, flaky, or just plain crazy. I don’t feel that I have to be shackled to one specific way of feeling or doing. I feel that I can make choices based on what fits for me at the time, as I try (or don’t try) to reconcile the different parts of myself. Perhaps I am just looking for the person who will embrace this about me, someone who will open up to it, give compassion, and instead of running from it, will love me more to give me the security and safety to figure out what fits best for me.