The Unsolicited Dick Pic

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Is there anything better than opening up a text message and seeing a picture of a penis? Seriously, ladies, can you think of anything better than this? Doesn’t it make your day to know that a special man in your life is thinking of you, and feels so strongly about you that he wants to show you a picture of his dick? Before opening this text, you were probably just drifting through your day, trying to find meaning in all of the emptiness of life. Thank God that this man swooped in to save the day, and bestow upon you exactly what has been missing in your life: his dick! Men to the rescue, yet again! Isn’t your day just a little brighter because you’ve been blessed with this beautiful photo? Doesn’t it make you feel special; lucky, even? 

Let’s dive in and talk about these pictures, shall we? I’m not a serious blogger, and we’re not going to have a conversation about the predatory nature of this behavior, or about how it relates to rape culture or bring up questions of consent. I’m just going to discuss what all of us are thinking when we’re on the receiving end of an unsolicited dick pic: gross.

Men love their penises. It’s just a fact of life. As long as men have had penises, they’ve wanted to show them off in order to receive validation, admiration, and praise from women. It’s ingrained need in men to show their dicks to women. Long before text messages, there were men who exposed their dicks to unsuspecting women: flashers. The unsolicited dick pic is the modern day version of flashing, and everyone is doing it!

I’ve read many of the hysterical responses that women have written to a man who sends a dick pic: insinuating that his dick is small, sending a photo of a banana being cut up, and sometimes sending this photo to the offending man’s family and friends. While all of this is funny, maybe we, as women, need to clue men into the harsh reality: your dick pics are just gross, and we will not want to have sex with you after you send us one of these pictures. I think this is the only thing that will stop this terrible trend!

Look, guys, if you send an unsolicited dick pic (or any dick pic for that matter), the woman you’ve sent it to is ONLY using it to show to her friends. That’s right, fellas, all of her friends have seen your dick.  What’s more, they’re all talking about it and laughing; pointing out that it has too many veins, that your ball hair is unruly, wondering why you took this picture with a pile of dirty laundry on the floor behind you, and all around just cutting you down to the point that you are no longer a viable sexual option for the woman you sent that pic to.  Sending an unrequested dick pic is literally the quickest way to ensure that you will not be getting laid.

Also, who of you women out there enjoy a picture of a penis? They’re all ugly, they look weird, and I can’t imagine being turned on by a semi-erect picture of a dick.  I love men, I love sex, but a picture of a dick just does nothing for me. I look at it for .3 seconds and then move on with my life. Men are visual and love photos of naked women. I’ve certainly sent many a naked photo to a man (my face obscured, of course), as men enjoy naked photos of women… because men are visual creatures and are turned on by what they see (um, hello, strip clubs, anyone?). Women are generally not visually stimulated. A dick pic isn’t a turn on. Sorry to drop this truth bomb, guys.

I’m going to add to the dick pic issue, by asking why the hell these pictures are always accompanied by a text that says ‘u like’? Seriously guys, if you had the confidence to send an unrequested photo of your penis, do you really need the validation that someone likes it? Also, please don’t continue to send MORE pictures after this and ask again, ‘u like?’.  No. I don’t like. I think your dick is awkward and weird, just like every other dick on the planet. I also wonder why men feel the need to send a lead up text to their dick pic: “I got something I want you to see,” “You’re really pretty,” “I got something I think you’ll like (again with the liking of the dick!),” or my personal favorite “Think you can handle this?”. I got news, fellas: I don’t want to see it, your dick pic is unrelated to my attractiveness, I don’t like it, and if I was thinking about ‘handing it’ you’ve just ruined it by sending me this photo.

What is going on in these photos? Am I the only person out there who looks around in the background to see the environment/context that these photos are being taken in? Unmade beds, piles of dirty laundry, unorganized shelving, dirty bathroom mirror (bonus points for medicine bottles, toilet paper rolls, shave gel, and dirty razors on the sink), pants around his ankles, socks still on, unruly pubic hair, and my personal favorite, flexing his arm muscles: all in one photo. Let me tell you, your dick is the least interesting thing to me in this picture. I’m much more interested in why you are unable to remove your socks and clean your mirror. What life choices have you made that got you to this point? Did this seem like the best place to take this picture? This picture tells me that if you are too lazy to take your damn socks off, you’re going to be lazy everywhere else too.

Lastly, why do men always seem to have an endless stream of dick pics? Like a vault of pictures of their penis! Why are they always standing with their backs arched in these photos? Like I didn’t see your penis already? You need to push it out further to make sure that I see it? I’m mildly curious as to why they have so many pictures (which are basically all the same). Is it like taking a ‘selfie’? Maybe they don’t like the lighting in one picture so they take another? Did they think that their dick looked tired so they took another? Perhaps they should just focus on getting one really good picture of their penis (one where their penis is bringing me a shopping spree, a bottle of scotch, and genuine compliment about my intellect). Quality over quantity, boys.

Listen, as a public service, women don’t want to see pictures of your penis. It’s a turn off. You’re not going to get laid. Your feelings will get hurt. The woman you send this picture to will show every one of her friends, and laugh at you. It’s not a good scene guys, and it has the opposite of the intended effect. Keep your dick pics to yourself.

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19 thoughts on “The Unsolicited Dick Pic

      • Totally gross! hahahaa! i use to think after opening a dick pic in a text cuz you get noo warning that is what you are opening sometimes and seriously would think what the even hell is he thinking?!! Why???!!! hahahaaa and it happens more than people might think too!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hahaha!!!! It’s so true!!! I was talking to a male friend of mine about this the other day, and he just can’t understand it either. At least there are some guys out there who aren’t all about the ‘surprise dick pic’!

        Liked by 1 person

      • i think they must think becuz they could get 50 boob shots in a row and love everyone of the em that woman think the same way? idk its just so freaking funny how you described perfectly how all we do is show our girlfriends and laugh hahahahahaa!!! I feel like you should write a public service announcement for this for the poor guys that are really this clueless its like they just dont know any better!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Here’s what I want to know, are there women out there who encourage this? Who are telling them that it’s okay to send a dick pic? Like why do they still think it’s a good plan?!?! I don’t get it!

        I seriously think I’m more horrified by what’s in the background of these photos. Like, get your shit together! I’m not gonna sleep with a guy who sends me a dick pic, AND can’t be bothered to clean up before hand, or even take his socks off. Ugh. Lazy, lazy men.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes i believe there are women that do encourage! i did some online dating years ago and guys that were total strangers to me would send them i would blow them off after that no pun intended ahhahaa i just couldnt even be bothered it was such a turn off but did make for some good laughs w my best friend hahaa! i did know a woman that liked it. it made her feel special or something as if that same guy isnt sending that same dick pic to 10 other women…she was quite the dope anyway very attention starved. sad to say i think that women that have low self esteem or an unhealthy low level of self respect do like it. bottom line dick pics are not i repeat NOT sexy! hahaa!
        And the background is always weird looking! how bout the dick pick with the fat hairy stomach in the way hahahahahaha soo gross!! and heres the thing tht same guy if i were to meet him in person and no dick pic had been sent even if he has a belly it wouldnt bother me but now that ive seen it in super unflattering lighting of your dirty bathroom and i can see your toilet in the mirror now im grossed the F out and i cant even know you anymore hahahaa!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It seems like online dating is just a cesspool of dick pics. Something about the anonymity of the Internet that allows for this sort of thing. Other than that girl you knew (who can I just say, hello self esteem issues!), I can’t think of why a women would get down with this. In a relationship, and with sexting going on, I’ve gotten these pictures and been totally okay with it, as they are in context and from someone I care about and am sleeping with. Otherwise…. Why?!?!?

        The unflattering bathroom lighting!!!! Omg! It looks like the lighting in a freaking morgue!!!! The hairy belly (and inner thighs, let’s not forget those) is the worst! How about when the photo is taken from below? To make it look bigger! And their confused, sad little face is in the background?!? Hahahaha!!!!

        If I get a dick pic, homeboy can be sure that his number is blocked. I don’t want to know anyone in real life who sends a dick pic!

        Liked by 1 person

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