Is there anything better than opening up a text message and seeing a picture of a penis? Seriously, ladies, can you think of anything better than this? Doesn’t it make your day to know that a special man in your life is thinking of you, and feels so strongly about you that he wants to show you a picture of his dick? Before opening this text, you were probably just drifting through your day, trying to find meaning in all of the emptiness of life. Thank God that this man swooped in to save the day, and bestow upon you exactly what has been missing in your life: his dick! Men to the rescue, yet again! Isn’t your day just a little brighter because you’ve been blessed with this beautiful photo? Doesn’t it make you feel special; lucky, even?
Let’s dive in and talk about these pictures, shall we? I’m not a serious blogger, and we’re not going to have a conversation about the predatory nature of this behavior, or about how it relates to rape culture or bring up questions of consent. I’m just going to discuss what all of us are thinking when we’re on the receiving end of an unsolicited dick pic: gross.
Men love their penises. It’s just a fact of life. As long as men have had penises, they’ve wanted to show them off in order to receive validation, admiration, and praise from women. It’s ingrained need in men to show their dicks to women. Long before text messages, there were men who exposed their dicks to unsuspecting women: flashers. The unsolicited dick pic is the modern day version of flashing, and everyone is doing it!
I’ve read many of the hysterical responses that women have written to a man who sends a dick pic: insinuating that his dick is small, sending a photo of a banana being cut up, and sometimes sending this photo to the offending man’s family and friends. While all of this is funny, maybe we, as women, need to clue men into the harsh reality: your dick pics are just gross, and we will not want to have sex with you after you send us one of these pictures. I think this is the only thing that will stop this terrible trend!
Look, guys, if you send an unsolicited dick pic (or any dick pic for that matter), the woman you’ve sent it to is ONLY using it to show to her friends. That’s right, fellas, all of her friends have seen your dick. What’s more, they’re all talking about it and laughing; pointing out that it has too many veins, that your ball hair is unruly, wondering why you took this picture with a pile of dirty laundry on the floor behind you, and all around just cutting you down to the point that you are no longer a viable sexual option for the woman you sent that pic to. Sending an unrequested dick pic is literally the quickest way to ensure that you will not be getting laid.
Also, who of you women out there enjoy a picture of a penis? They’re all ugly, they look weird, and I can’t imagine being turned on by a semi-erect picture of a dick. I love men, I love sex, but a picture of a dick just does nothing for me. I look at it for .3 seconds and then move on with my life. Men are visual and love photos of naked women. I’ve certainly sent many a naked photo to a man (my face obscured, of course), as men enjoy naked photos of women… because men are visual creatures and are turned on by what they see (um, hello, strip clubs, anyone?). Women are generally not visually stimulated. A dick pic isn’t a turn on. Sorry to drop this truth bomb, guys.
I’m going to add to the dick pic issue, by asking why the hell these pictures are always accompanied by a text that says ‘u like’? Seriously guys, if you had the confidence to send an unrequested photo of your penis, do you really need the validation that someone likes it? Also, please don’t continue to send MORE pictures after this and ask again, ‘u like?’. No. I don’t like. I think your dick is awkward and weird, just like every other dick on the planet. I also wonder why men feel the need to send a lead up text to their dick pic: “I got something I want you to see,” “You’re really pretty,” “I got something I think you’ll like (again with the liking of the dick!),” or my personal favorite “Think you can handle this?”. I got news, fellas: I don’t want to see it, your dick pic is unrelated to my attractiveness, I don’t like it, and if I was thinking about ‘handing it’ you’ve just ruined it by sending me this photo.
What is going on in these photos? Am I the only person out there who looks around in the background to see the environment/context that these photos are being taken in? Unmade beds, piles of dirty laundry, unorganized shelving, dirty bathroom mirror (bonus points for medicine bottles, toilet paper rolls, shave gel, and dirty razors on the sink), pants around his ankles, socks still on, unruly pubic hair, and my personal favorite, flexing his arm muscles: all in one photo. Let me tell you, your dick is the least interesting thing to me in this picture. I’m much more interested in why you are unable to remove your socks and clean your mirror. What life choices have you made that got you to this point? Did this seem like the best place to take this picture? This picture tells me that if you are too lazy to take your damn socks off, you’re going to be lazy everywhere else too.
Lastly, why do men always seem to have an endless stream of dick pics? Like a vault of pictures of their penis! Why are they always standing with their backs arched in these photos? Like I didn’t see your penis already? You need to push it out further to make sure that I see it? I’m mildly curious as to why they have so many pictures (which are basically all the same). Is it like taking a ‘selfie’? Maybe they don’t like the lighting in one picture so they take another? Did they think that their dick looked tired so they took another? Perhaps they should just focus on getting one really good picture of their penis (one where their penis is bringing me a shopping spree, a bottle of scotch, and genuine compliment about my intellect). Quality over quantity, boys.
Listen, as a public service, women don’t want to see pictures of your penis. It’s a turn off. You’re not going to get laid. Your feelings will get hurt. The woman you send this picture to will show every one of her friends, and laugh at you. It’s not a good scene guys, and it has the opposite of the intended effect. Keep your dick pics to yourself.