Disorganized Thinking

Psychology is a hell of a drug. A quick google search about working through the stages of emotions following a breakup yields many results that are rooted in psychological theory (and a few others on yahoo answers that are just down right bizarre). One topic that is frequently discussed, in regards to how the brain deals with a breakup (aka – grief), is about how thoughts become disorganized, and how making sense of one’s own world at this time is practically impossible. Think of it this way, your brain is traveling along with you, living a life that seems normal and comfortable, when a huge gust of wind blows through and disrupts your memories and thoughts. People in this state become forgetful, become clumsy, and have their thoughts interrupted by intrusions of memories being replayed.  That last one sure explains a lot, right? Explains why you no longer seem to have control over your own thoughts; why you suddenly remember things that happened with your ex years ago – things you’ve not thought of since they occurred. There is nothing about a breakup that is easy, Lord knows, but having your mind work against you, and basically give you the finger, is the icing on top of the stalest cupcake of all time.

This is pretty much where I am at this point in time: my thoughts are all over the place. One minute I’m doing just fine, working on a project at work, and the next I’m flashing back to a few years ago when my ex and I were giggling and playing airplane on his bed. I shake my head to get rid of the memory and go back to my work, and a few minutes later I’m wondering if he’s really only being seeing someone for a few weeks, or if it has been longer. I should text him and ask him, because I can’t possibly sit with this. How could he possibly wrong me in this way? Seeing someone for months and not telling me. Then, I manage to stop myself, remind myself that it doesn’t matter what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with (literally and figuratively), things are done and over with between us and he’s made his choice. Before long, I’m channelling my inner Blair Waldorf (yes, I know I’m too old to love ‘Gossip Girl’, and I don’t care), and thinking about how he’s an idiot for not wanting me, because I’m awesome. Then, I’m back to giving half of my thoughts to my work, but a few seconds later I’m thinking about how he held my hand on our second date. WHY? Disorganized thinking.

Kudos to me, I suppose, as at least I’m working through it without reaching out to him to cry and beg. I’ve managed to keep at least a shred of my dignity this time around, so I suppose that my inner Blair is winning the war here. Blair Waldorf. Gossip Girl. New York City. Did I tell you about how he grabbed my face and kissed me last year when we were in New York? It was the last time he kissed me like he meant it. See how easy it happens? It’s relentless and exhausting. It doesn’t help matters that I’m an anxious gal by nature, and I’m an overthinker (with one of the richest inner lives of anyone I know). I want to skip to the acceptance part where I feel peaceful. Is there a quicker way to get there? If anyone has an idea, I’m open to it (I’m begging for it)!

 

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