The sage advice that is given to someone going through a breakup is that it takes half of the time you were with a person to fully get over them. Breaking with tradition, or giving the finger to advice, I can say that I expect it will not take me nearly as long as this. Perhaps because I’ve spent the last two years drifting in and out of a relationship that I didn’t belong in for starters. Perhaps because the last two years that my ex and I have spent apart, trying to make things between us work, has made me realize that loving someone doesn’t mean that they’ll want you. I’m not sure what it is exactly; pinpointing the exact reason is something that evades me.
I’ve long said that my ex brought the sun when he came around, but cast a shadow, that was colder and darker than anything I’ve know, when he left. It was never easy to exist in a constant state of limbo with him. I’ve hated the last two years, and have grown (and am still growing) to understand why all of it happened in the first place: why we broke up, and why we ended up torturing each other for the two years that followed that breakup. It’s difficult now to believe that I’ve spent so long pining for someone who I’m not even sure really loved me in the first place. All I know for sure is that we had a relationship that was never going to work, we were never a good fit for each other. I’ll keep my negative thoughts about him to myself here, simply to ensure that I get out of this with a little more grace than I exhibited when I was in the throws of it.
I’ve learned that I have a stronger capacity for love than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned that I am able to persevere through even the most difficult of life’s situations. I’ve learned that gut feelings are normally correct. I’ve learned that one should take into account how the last relationship another person was in, ended. I’ve learned that despite his cold shadow, his keeping his light from me, I’ve grown into a stronger person all by myself. I’ve learned that I do not need a man in my life, but adding one to it should bring me joy and compliment who I am as a person. I’ve learned that standards are important, both for myself and for who I choose as a partner. Finally, I’ve learned that I am not someone who can be okay with a relationship that is open, or someone who can be with a man who struggles with commitment.
It’s been a week since my ex told me that he is seeing someone new. I thought I’d fall apart, and that my life as I know it would cease. Funny enough, while both things happened, they were the best things that could have happened. I feel stronger and better than I’ve felt since before I met him. Moving on isn’t so bad.